First Step

            As I sit and ponder about the events that have transpired in the last few weeks, I cannot help but wonder: “what just happened to me?”  I have held the same job for seven years- longest one yet as my resume would tell you, I have done my share of moving.  Yes, moving and growing and all those experiences have thought me lessons that made me the better person I am today.  When you wake up in the middle of the night with your heart racing that it felt hard to breathe and all the tests shows there is nothing wrong with your heart and that you need to slow it down, dropping your blood pressure that it made it impossible to pick up something on the ground without becoming dizzy---you might be dealing with stress. Plain and simple STRESS and the only way to deal with it is to step away from it, evaluate whether this is a viable long-term option (best judgment says not) or plan an exit move.  I was ignoring how my body has been reacting to stress- swollen joints, swollen lymph nodes, swollen eye (which prompted my rheumatologist to call an emergency ophthalmology consult).  Well, it SUCKS- word not worth much in literary value but pretty much sums up my condition at the moment.  My medication regimen and multiple appointments to different specialists have become a full job- oh, don’t forget the children at home who need their mother.  Luckily, I have a small village with many caregivers willing to lend a hand.  My family has taken a secondary place in my pile of to-do list and I have let this job lead me into the rabbit hole.

I am in what Catholics would call purgatory- in between heaven or hell. A decision is yet to be made whether I move to bliss or suffering. And why suffer?  There are other jobs.  There are better ways to make a living and working with pleasant group of people. I have worked with many people and I have kept many of them as friends. The people I had the displeasure of working with made my worst enemy appear kinder and gentler. I have never been known to mince my words but I have always been kind and fair.  I have excellent work ethics and it is hard for me to watch a group of people perform the bare minimum amount of work, men (women) for themselves, a means to an end—a job!  It seems contrived but where is the answer to a greater calling of service, of justice, stewardship and all that good stuff we like to talk about?  Are we a bunch of hypocrites who wear their Sunday best but unkind to others? It is hard for me to work with a group of people whose ultimate goals are just to finish their shifts, get paid and someday retire with a decent pension.  What happens to mobility and growth?  I have outgrown the comforts of this job and I am ready to grow.

            My name is Gladys Field. I am a clinical documentation improvement specialist and I am in therapy.